A person can have one, two or many of the previous examples I just made, but what about something I didn’t add to the list, Yourself! Do you make yourself happy?
And here is where I begin, and live by.
Too many I may be fun, goofy, and naughty (to name a few). But no one knows that inside I am lost, sad, and alone.
I previously wrote a story called “My Struggles with Addiction” in which I detail my 10 year addiction to illegal drugs and how at the time it ruined my life. I touched a little on the depression it caused me because of my hurts and losses, but no one knows that I still am dealing with depression today.I have not pinpointed the area of my depression, and I may never will. Friends, Family, and therapist say they care and are there for me if I needed to talk and I do, “try” to talk to them. I am sincere but I still feel that I haven’t felt any different from a few years ago.
Are the words not right? Maybe the answers to the questions asked do not fit? Uninterested or uncaring people to talk to when I try to express my feelings. But maybe I am not being honest with others, especially myself.
This is where I am at in my life and I am seeking answers to questions I do not have. Will I ever have the answers? Not until I ask the right questions.
Why is the first question I need to ask before I move forward? Why did I do it, why did I hurt my loved ones? Why can’t I find closure?
Many of us who were hurt by a loved one heal quickly and most of us do not. When a husband, wife, son, daughter, etc. does something so blatant to their loved ones, such as my additions and hurting them, it will always leave a mark in their life. Nobody can say that their wife cheated on them and after she confessed all was fine. That is something that will live in the back of your mind forever. Steal from a family member like a dollar or two though bad is not the end of the world. But what if you stole two hundred dollars? Now this raises the stakes.
I can sit here and write numerous examples like some of the previous ones but it would take me days to list them. But being hurt emotionally never goes away. Yes the physical wounds heal, and divorce may be a quick solution. But memories ever fade away. Those of us who were hurt emotionally may forget for a moment or two but when we are alone with our thoughts nine times out of ten the hurtful memories come back to you, and never leave!
As written in my struggles with addiction I have a lot of regrets and apologies to deal with. My “days of evil” as I refer to it were filled with drugs, lies and deception. I was not the man I am today and will never be. I lost loves; I lost jobs, my self-respect, but most important of all; my precious Children! Some of these I can regain but losing your family can never be healed. Once you damage the hearts of your children you never get that back. Especially when you miss a substantial part of their lives only to give them false hope and false love. I always said that I loved my kids and miss them, and I may have been sincere at the time but if I did miss and Love them I would have stopped my evil life many years earlier than I had.
So many years went by during these rough times, and over seven years have passed by since. And though I have been clean for all of this time I have never healed on the inside. I may put on a face like I am full of love and joy but when I am alone I live a life of sadness.
My struggles with addiction, depression and guilt will never leave me. But it is how I tackle these issues head on and move on with my life that will eventually find some peace within my soul.
Faith and Love are things lacking not only in the world of drugs and depression but within society in general. After I quit my evil ways in 2007 I was left standing alone in the middle of nowhere. I had no family, friends. I was homeless, broke, and hungry. My body was going through withdrawals and my mind will filled with millions of thoughts from go back to drugs, run away and sadly thinking killing yourself would make things easier.
I could have given up at any time and went back to my old ways. But like I wrote in my previous story I went forward and never looked back. One of the things that got me through the earlier stages of recovery was the fact that I was determined not to be dead by the age of 40. If I kept up with drugs I may have been.
To move past what you may have already read I recovered from my addictions. But thinking that the worst was over was just setting myself up for heartbreak and depression.
Personally I believe that stepping away from my evil lifestyle and recovering from my addictions was easier than what comes after. Sure I was clean and sober, had a job and became socially responsible, but dealing with my inner sadness had and has become the biggest struggle of my life.
How does a person live with themselves after causing so much pain and suffering to their loved ones? When does the pain end? How do I find a way to end it?
I live day to day with the thoughts and pictures in my mind of the decade of my downfall. To wake up every morning and starting out my day knowing that I hurt so many lives is too much for anyone to bear. I was under the impression that things were supposed to improve once a person gives up their old ways. It seems like it in the movies so why not for everyone else? Because in movies there is always an ending and everyone gets up and leaves the theaters where in reality you have to face yourself in the mirror every morning.
So this brings me to the present and a continuation of my inner sadness with one question in mind.
Why am I not happy?
Five simple words that runs through my every second of every day in my life with no ending in sight. If you knew me you may think I am this outgoing, fun-loving person who enjoys life. I laugh and smile like there is no care in the world, and I see myself as the one you talk to when you have a problem. But how can I be there to help others when I am sad on the inside?
Even in 2009 when I met my current wife and fell in love with her I was not a complete man. We married really fast and moved out of my hometown. It seemed like a fairy book marriage in the beginning but now I am starting to feel like I am only here to cook and clean for others. Our marriage is not healthy and we both know this. I want to be happy in my marriage, I hate to quit anything! But how can I be happy when for one, I am not happy where I am at, and two my role here is more of a houseboy than a spouse and stepfather.
On the inside I am screaming for help. I go to weekly therapy sessions to find my happiness and it has its moments, for a moment. I can talk to my wife about my problems but quickly it turns more about hers than mine. I need a friend to talk to when I feel alone inside. I need someone to care for me when I need to be cared for, not to be treated like someone’s servant.
Should I get up and leave my wife for my happiness? If I do then all I am doing is reverting to my old ways and hurting someone else for my happiness. Yet if I stay then all I am doing is living the same thing every day where I am depressed and everyone else waits for me to serve take care of them.
I am not being selfish when I say take care of them but where is the line drawn? As a husband it is my duty to be the best husband I can possibly be and be there when she needs me. But there has to be a limit, a distinction between “honey can I have a drink” and “honey the house is a mess”. Do you see the point I am trying to make here? Isn’t love and marriage supposed to be about loving and caring for each other, not a one-sided ordeal?
This is where I am at this moment. I am in a phase in my life where I feel vulnerable and afraid to smile. I am a romantic by heart and have lots of love to give. But if I cannot love myself then how can I expect another individual to love me?
What more is out there for me? I want to live and enjoy life, but I need to find the direction God has in store for me. I dream of waking up in the morning and look into the mirror and know I am going to have a great day. Yeah money can help; sex is a bonus as well. But without happiness the latter two are useless.
I know I can be happy again in my life if given a chance. I work, obey the law, care for others, listen, laugh, cry, and smile when the times calls for it. But for now all of that is a farce to distract everyone from the truth.
Maybe one day I will find happiness, I do not need “true” happiness in my life, just to be able to smile for real and not fake it for the world to see.
Marriage, divorced, single; it doesn’t matter what category I am in because without being happy within myself I can I be happy for everyone who I love or who loves me.