Archive for the ‘Drug Abuse’ Category

Depression-depression-33252772-800-707What makes you happy? Money, fame, how about success? Maybe it is having the perfect family. How about fulfilling your dreams, or finding that one person who sweeps you off of your feet.

A person can have one, two or many of the previous examples I just made, but what about something I didn’t add to the list, Yourself! Do you make yourself happy?

And here is where I begin, and live by.

Too many I may be fun, goofy, and naughty (to name a few). But no one knows that inside I am lost, sad, and alone.

I previously wrote a story called “My Struggles with Addiction” in which I detail my 10 year addiction to illegal drugs and how at the time it ruined my life. I touched a little on the depression it caused me because of my hurts and losses, but no one knows that I still am dealing with depression today.I have not pinpointed the area of my depression, and I may never will. Friends, Family, and therapist say they care and are there for me if I needed to talk and I do, “try” to talk to them. I am sincere but I still feel that I haven’t felt any different from a few years ago.

Are the words not right? Maybe the answers to the questions asked do not fit? Uninterested or uncaring people to talk to when I try to express my feelings. But maybe I am not being honest with others, especially myself.

This is where I am at in my life and I am seeking answers to questions I do not have. Will I ever have the answers? Not until I ask the right questions.

Why?

Why is the first question I need to ask before I move forward? Why did I do it, why did I hurt my loved ones? Why can’t I find closure?

Many of us who were hurt by a loved one heal quickly and most of us do not. When a husband, wife, son, daughter, etc. does something so blatant to their loved ones, such as my additions and hurting them, it will always leave a mark in their life. Nobody can say that their wife cheated on them and after she confessed all was fine. That is something that will live in the back of your mind forever. Steal from a family member like a dollar or two though bad is not the end of the world. But what if you stole two hundred dollars? Now this raises the stakes.

I can sit here and write numerous examples like some of the previous ones but it would take me days to list them. But being hurt emotionally never goes away. Yes the physical wounds heal, and divorce may be a quick solution. But memories ever fade away. Those of us who were hurt emotionally may forget for a moment or two but when we are alone with our thoughts nine times out of ten the hurtful memories come back to you, and never leave!

The Past

As written in my struggles with addiction I have a lot of regrets and apologies to deal with. My “days of evil” as I refer to it were filled with drugs, lies and deception. I was not the man I am today and will never be. I lost loves; I lost jobs, my self-respect, but most important of all; my precious Children! Some of these I can regain but losing your family can never be healed. Once you damage the hearts of your children you never get that back. Especially when you miss a substantial part of their lives only to give them false hope and false love. I always said that I loved my kids and miss them, and I may have been sincere at the time but if I did miss and Love them I would have stopped my evil life many years earlier than I had.

So many years went by during these rough times, and over seven years have passed by since. And though I have been clean for all of this time I have never healed on the inside. I may put on a face like I am full of love and joy but when I am alone I live a life of sadness.

My struggles with addiction, depression and guilt will never leave me. But it is how I tackle these issues head on and move on with my life that will eventually find some peace within my soul.

Faith and Love are things lacking not only in the world of drugs and depression but within society in general. After I quit my evil ways in 2007 I was left standing alone in the middle of nowhere. I had no family, friends. I was homeless, broke, and hungry. My body was going through withdrawals and my mind will filled with millions of thoughts from go back to drugs, run away and sadly thinking killing yourself would make things easier.

I could have given up at any time and went back to my old ways. But like I wrote in my previous story I went forward and never looked back. One of the things that got me through the earlier stages of recovery was the fact that I was determined not to be dead by the age of 40. If I kept up with drugs I may have been.

To move past what you may have already read I recovered from my addictions. But thinking that the worst was over was just setting myself up for heartbreak and depression.

Personally I believe that stepping away from my evil lifestyle and recovering from my addictions was easier than what comes after. Sure I was clean and sober, had a job and became socially responsible, but dealing with my inner sadness had and has become the biggest struggle of my life.

Pain

How does a person live with themselves after causing so much pain and suffering to their loved ones? When does the pain end? How do I find a way to end it?

I live day to day with the thoughts and pictures in my mind of the decade of my downfall. To wake up every morning and starting out my day knowing that I hurt so many lives is too much for anyone to bear. I was under the impression that things were supposed to improve once a person gives up their old ways. It seems like it in the movies so why not for everyone else? Because in movies there is always an ending and everyone gets up and leaves the theaters where in reality you have to face yourself in the mirror every morning.

So this brings me to the present and a continuation of my inner sadness with one question in mind.

Why am I not happy?

Five simple words that runs through my every second of every day in my life with no ending in sight. If you knew me you may think I am this outgoing, fun-loving person who enjoys life. I laugh and smile like there is no care in the world, and I see myself as the one you talk to when you have a problem. But how can I be there to help others when I am sad on the inside?

Even in 2009 when I met my current wife and fell in love with her I was not a complete man. We married really fast and moved out of my hometown. It seemed like a fairy book marriage in the beginning but now I am starting to feel like I am only here to cook and clean for others. Our marriage is not healthy and we both know this. I want to be happy in my marriage, I hate to quit anything! But how can I be happy when for one, I am not happy where I am at, and two my role here is more of a houseboy than a spouse and stepfather.

On the inside I am screaming for help. I go to weekly therapy sessions to find my happiness and it has its moments, for a moment. I can talk to my wife about my problems but quickly it turns more about hers than mine. I need a friend to talk to when I feel alone inside. I need someone to care for me when I need to be cared for, not to be treated like someone’s servant.

Should I get up and leave my wife for my happiness? If I do then all I am doing is reverting to my old ways and hurting someone else for my happiness. Yet if I stay then all I am doing is living the same thing every day where I am depressed and everyone else waits for me to serve take care of them.

 

I am not being selfish when I say take care of them but where is the line drawn? As a husband it is my duty to be the best husband I can possibly be and be there when she needs me. But there has to be a limit, a distinction between “honey can I have a drink” and “honey the house is a mess”. Do you see the point I am trying to make here? Isn’t love and marriage supposed to be about loving and caring for each other, not a one-sided ordeal?

Help!

This is where I am at this moment. I am in a phase in my life where I feel vulnerable and afraid to smile. I am a romantic by heart and have lots of love to give. But if I cannot love myself then how can I expect another individual to love me?

What more is out there for me? I want to live and enjoy life, but I need to find the direction God has in store for me. I dream of waking up in the morning and look into the mirror and know I am going to have a great day. Yeah money can help; sex is a bonus as well. But without happiness the latter two are useless.

I know I can be happy again in my life if given a chance. I work, obey the law, care for others, listen, laugh, cry, and smile when the times calls for it. But for now all of that is a farce to distract everyone from the truth.

Maybe one day I will find happiness, I do not need “true” happiness in my life, just to be able to smile for real and not fake it for the world to see.

Marriage, divorced, single; it doesn’t matter what category I am in because without being happy within myself I can I be happy for everyone who I love or who loves me.

 

Someday!!

I am from Hazleton, A small former coal mine city in Northeastern Pennsylvania. You may heard of Hazleton from the major illegal immigration debate in 2006 where the Mayor wanted to kick all of the illegal aliens out of the city, and fine those who did business with them. Well in the past everybody got along, crime was hardly around, murders were never heard of, and illegal drugs were hardly ever a problem. Then something happened, Hazleton changed, forever! People from the outside moved in, mostly honest, and hardworking looking to escape cities likes Philadelphia, Boston, and New York City to a life of quietness, and safety. All was fine, but only for a short while. With the influx of people from large cities came criminals in the forms of Illegal Immigrants, drugs dealers, and murderers. It hit Hazleton like a bomb. Everywhere you went there were drugs. All the construction, restaurant, and many factory employees were illegal immigrants. And murders, well I believe there were more murders in a three year period of this century, than the whole 80′s and 90’s decades combined.

I thought I was invulnerable to all of this misfortune because of how strong minded I thought I was. But having come up with a less than loving background, a curious demeanor, and suffering from bipolar disorder the cards were stacked against me.

Unfortunately, for me, I became a victim of drug abuse and it ruined me from the very start. During my 30′s, from 1997 to 2007 I was very heavy into illegal drugs. My drugs of choice were Crack Cocaine and heroin. But anything else was fine too, as long as it got me high. I was evil, so evil. I lied, cheated, stole, conned, you name it I did it just to get high. Doing drugs resulted in a loss of a marriage with three children.

An out of marriage child, a ten year relationship (If you call it that) full of lies, adultery, deceit, and of course DRUGS! I have a daughter born with drug induced disabilities, and yes I do hate myself for her disabilities. And I lost my son (her brother) because I cannot see them anymore because their mother and I hate each other.

For a decade I loved, lost love, hurt all of my family, and was a terrible husband, boyfriend, and father. I went to jail for stealing. Went to jail three times for not paying child support because I was a crack head. And yet I am still paying back support. I hurt everyone that was close to me. I went to Jail in April 2006 for not paying child support, and hiding from the law for a year. I served five months in the Work-Release program.

I got out in September, wanting to clean myself up. But that did not last long. I was living at my mother’s while my girlfriend of 8 years lived at her parents. I worked for about 4 months off and on. Then I stole from my parents and sisters so bad they kicked me out in June 2007. And to no one’s surprise I had another warrant for my arrest for not paying child support, and failing to go to court.

So it was June, I was homeless. I moved in with my sister’s boyfriend’s twin brother which was another mistake I made. He was recently released from jail for parole violations and other crimes. Everything was fine and life went on with the usual partying and occurrences at first. Our apartment turned into the unofficial crack house of Hazleton.

Everything and everything illegal was done there. From drugs, to prostitution, to illegal guns, and even harboring other fugitive’s. From June to December 2007 I did more drugs, and drank more beer than in the previous three years combined. During that last period, I conned my girlfriend out of hundreds of dollars, even to the point where she would steal a few hundred here and there from her parents to give to me. I later found out it was money she would give me to not be around her while he was in another relationship and she was afraid to tell me because of my violent behavior. I even sank low stole her food stamps, food out my children’s mouths to cash in to purchase drugs to fill my habit.

About September I went through a depressed week or so. Being bipolar I often had these moments where I hated life and all around me. During that time I was talking to my roommate’s girlfriend and daughter (both were drug free) about wanting to quit drugs. They supported my decision, but that unfortunately would not make me stop using. I still did drugs, stole from stores, and even supported my roommate’s niece to sell herself for drug money. I had some female friends that were, to be rated PG ”Sex buddies” where we had sex with each other, and with other people, just females for me, to get drugs and money. I was so out of control, and thought I would eventually overdose or even kill myself.

Then my roommate and I were evicted from our apartment (I bet you’re not surprised). So I moved in with his girlfriend, and her daughter. He eventually went to jail for violations of parole again which was a blessing to many. And while I lived with them, still a fugitive, I started a relationship (Mainly sex, and drugs) with the 21 year old daughter. And being the evil person I was I got her started on crack to feed my habit. And since she was socially awkward and the nerd type, I kept her satisfied sexually just to get money from her by telling her what she wanted to hear.

Christmas 2007 came and I got so depressed about not seeing my kids, and even talked about suicide. I drank a whole fifth of Smirnoff 100 proof No 57 Vodka in less than three hours, smoked crack, did heroin and passed out hoping to die. But I woke up the next day, alive, I was so shocked, and so were a few other people. My life was total shit!! I never thought I would wind up like this, basically alone, homeless (sort of), on drugs, no family, no job virtually nothing in my life but drugs. And by the way in five months I went from 210 to 155 from drugs, I was a toothpick. I firmly believe that my state of depression around the week of Christmas was a turning point for me in my life.

 I began to change mentally, and in some way spiritually.

     I had no desire to do drug as much as before. I isolated myself from almost everyone, and just thought about my life and what happened to it. New Year’s Eve came, and as usual there was a hard party full of drugs and other goods at a friend’s house. We were basically joking about resolutions, like getting off drugs, and no stealing which everyone ever intended to do. I was smoking some crack that day and night, and drinking beer too. During the early evening I was watching everyone from the party, and my mind was racing. I was realizing that I could not do it anymore; I could not ruin the rest of my life. I was underweight, my teeth were rotten and falling out. My vision was poor, and my health was poor. I did not speak, but watched everyone make a fool out of themselves. I think what pushed me was seeing 16 and 17 year olds smoking crack.

 

Its Over

As I have previously stated around 10 p.m. on New Year’s Eve. I was smoking crack, drinking, and going through hell emotionally. Everyone seemed like freaking assholes doing what they were doing there. My friends knew something was wrong, but they were more worried about crack and having sex than me. I had two bags of crack on my. I started to smoke the first one, I did not enjoy it. I waited a few minutes than smoked the second one. While doing that bag I stopped. I said “Fuck it, I can’t do this anymore” I flushed the pipe, rest of the bag, and told everyone to “Fuck Off”. And I left.

I went to my temporary place of residence; oh I had to sneak in because the landlord knew I was an addict and did not want me there. I totally isolated myself from everything in life. The next few weeks were living hell for me as at first temptation was running rampant, and then loads of anger, and resentment. But during my isolation I started reading the bible a lot, and really letting it soak in. My isolation abruptly ended when about six officers kicked in the door and hauled me out of jail for my warrants. That was February 21, 2008, 52 days clean. I was immediately sentenced to six months in Jail on the work-release program for not paying support. While in jail me, on my own accord, started two drug and alcohol coerces to keep clean. This was the first time in my life I did this. Then for some reason, and I you knew me past 10 years you would have been shocked, I took a 10 lesson Bible course. I loved it; all through jail I worked, went to counseling, psychological too, and did my Bible course. Well I was due to be released August 21, but something happened. I have a child in Northampton County; well his mother filed contempt of court charges for not paying child support there either. So I was picked up by their sheriff’s department and transported to their jail in Easton.

I was sentenced to five months in jail there too. I continued my classes and therapy, and went to bible study. Surprisingly on January 2, 2008 I was released. I was in shock, ten months in jail and going home. Upon release I took the bus back to Hazleton, where for a short time I lived with my family, but after a week I met a girl and moved in with her, and yes she was drug, and alcohol free. I dated her until March, but it was a relationship never to be. I then met a woman, Chelle, while on the web. She came to Hazleton from Georgia where her parents live, but she hails from Portland Oregon. She and I hit it off fast, and very romantically. She just ended a crazy relationship too. She and I were perfect together; we fell in love very quick. After she had an issue with her ex, I moved in with her on April fool’s day. We lived together, totally in love until we got married June 10, 2009. Yes so quickly, but we seemed like mates. She wanted to go to Millersville University by Lancaster to finish her Bachelors in early childhood education, and I wanted out of Hazleton. We moved to our present location on July 1, 2009. I cannot say life has been perfect, unfortunately I suffer from Bi-polar disorder, and while trying to get the right medicine combination I can be nasty. But wife loves me to death, and she is sticking by me. Work here is very hard to find for me since we have one car, and I have no license to drive. So to kill the time while I am looking for a job. I got all my teeth removed and got false teeth, I now wear classes, I dress better, I am up to 230 lbs. I eat better; I took online courses at Axia College of University of Phoenix in Arts in Business Management. And happily I have received my AA in Business in September 2010. I am currently 5 and a half year’s drug free now and never want to look back.

I hope this story can inspire others in their quest to be clean and improve their lives. It can happen, I am living proof.

 

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PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. — A South Florida man may regret his selfie after photos posted on Facebook led to his arrest.

According to the Martin County Sheriff’s Office Facebook page, Taylor Harrison, 21, was bragging about his life as a drug dealer on his Facebook page. Harrison posted photos of himself selling drugs next to deputies, according to the MCSO.

The photos led to his arrest.

Florida

via Deputies: Man arrested after posting selfie with drugs.

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